Courtroom Humor

“Judge: "I'll give you ten days or $50."”

Defendant: "I'll take the $50, Your Honor."

“Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"”

Witness: "No." Lawyer: "How can you be so sure?" Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Lawyer: "But could the patient still have been alive?" Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law."

“Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"”

Witness: "That's what I was doing when he attacked me."

“Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?" Witness: "By death."”

Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

“Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?" Witness: "July 15th." Lawyer: "What year?"”

Witness: "Every year."

“Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"”

The witness just stared at the lawyer in silence.

“Lawyer: "Were you present when your picture was taken?"”

Witness: "Are you serious?"

“Lawyer: "She had three children, right? How many were boys?" Witness: "None."”

Lawyer: "Were there any girls?"

“Lawyer: "Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?"”

Witness: "All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight."

“Lawyer: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" Witness: "The autopsy started around 8:30 PM."”

Lawyer: "And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?" Witness: "If not, he was by the time I finished."

“Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"”

Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

“Lawyer: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"”

Witness: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."